This post is going to be a letter to my grandmother
You are the woman I aspire to be.
You’re my rock when things get tough.
You are my best friend and favorite companion.
I’m sorry that we only had a little less than 19 years together. You changed my diapers, you let me steal food of your plate and you always took my side in any argument. We would go get our nails done together and you would always let me pick out the perfect shade of red for you. You would always stop at Chick Fil A even when you felt awful, because you knew i liked it. You bought both of my wedding dresses. In your hospital bed you even talked about throwing me a bridal shower. You are the most selfless person I know.
I still remember and think about the day that I said goodbye to you.
Robin, Loretta, Brenda, and momma were in the room. You laid there and just looked at me while i tried to keep my composure. I went to hug you and you said “ I love you sweetie”; once i told you that i loved you too we both said goodbye and I got up to leave. I left you there. The day you went to be with God, I didn’t come to see you because I was waiting for my wedding dress you bought me to come in the mail. I wanted to get my dress so I could show it to you. Instead of spending your last day with you, i waited on a dress. A dress that was not even wore for my wedding. I remember calling dad and him saying you were still with us, but when i said “ I’m on my way” he got silent. He said “Haley, she’s gone. I’m sorry.”
Do you wanna know what I’m sorry for? I’m sorry that you didn’t get to see me marry Stephen. I’m sorry that you didn’t get to see me graduate from high school. I am sorry that you will never get to see your great-grandchildren. But you wanna know what I’m not sorry for? I am not sorry for skipping your funeral or for skipping graveside services. I’m not sorry for saying goodbye to you at the time that I did.
I did what was best for me at that time.
I couldn’t handle sitting in the hospital waiting for the woman I had always looked up to tell me, she wanted to die. It was so hard for me to handle all the stories that were being told at receiving friends, yes they were all good stories, however, they reminded me that you were gone. To be completely honest I can barely handle the thought of you being carried by family and friends down to be laid to rest. If I can barely handle the thought, how do you think I could handle the actual service? I will always look up to you and remember the memories that we have together. I am just sorry that I didn’t have more when you left me.